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Fading Light..

Standing at the balcony, staring at the fading moonlight,

Somehow, somewhere it felt as though life was fading away.

Grief, anger, sadness- there are countless emotions,

Weirdly- all that I felt was completely blank.

It seemed as though my own world is distant,

It seemed as though I was sinking and slowly losing my grip.

Are these just episodes or a clear sign?

Am I alienating from myself yet again?

Scared or scarred – I am no longer sure,

To attempt to breathe, seems pointless like never before.

Stuck in an unending maze,

Routes to break free seem covered in haze.

Shackles each day tightening its grips,

The urge to cling on slowly fading like those faint streaks.

They say there comes a dawn after every dusk,

But why does this dawn seem to have lost sight unasked?

The bottled up chaos rests in the graveyard,

And all that is left is a vacuum spread thousands of yards.

Staring at the fading moonlight,

All that I feel is life falling apart,

All that I feel is falling apart.

©Arpita

Would You?

If we started life on a different note,

If we could reverse and rewrite the plots,

Would you have stayed then?

Would you have had a reason to cling on?

Faulty we were or it was the fault in our stars,

The tumultuous journey left all but scars.

Was ‘enough’ just not really enough?

How does one free from those invisible cuffs?

Endless tries to add hues,

Alas! The canvas remains gray.

Crumbling slowly from the deafening silence,

Life yet urges to hold on to the pretence.

Bruised wings trying hard to break open and flutter,

The shackles hold her down each time, how hard she tries no matter. 

Life goes on in a frenzy,

And the thought leaves the inner child crazy.

Tell me-

If we had started life on a different note,

Would you have stayed then?

If we could reverse all back in time,

Would you have stayed back then?

Would you have?

©Arpita

The Canvas

Life is but a canvas of realisations,

Bitter, sweet- it teaches us a lot of lessons.

Is there a right or wrong way to paint one’s life?

What’s right for you is circumstantial for the other side.

How about we keep emotions apart?

How about we travel to that point of start?

A game for you but someone’s belief,

A victim of circumstances but how does one believe?

Endless efforts to paint the canvas green,

A shift, a drift kept sweeping off the canvas clean.

Those surreal moments of truth and affection,

Could they put together that canvas already broken?

Those hopes, beliefs and promises on the way,

Do they hold enough elixir to splatter colors on the canvas grey?

Truth, lies are all but smears,

Trifle efforts to splash some colors.

Stands there mocking at you, the situation,

The canvas exudes colors thus fainting into oblivion,

That grey canvas slowly embraces oblivion.

©Arpita

Black Hole

Have you ever felt heavy in the head but empty at heart?

Have you ever felt unending chaos within you yet voiceless at the same time?

Some questions asked with answers already known,

Some hopes unsaid and some crushed down,

She ran from the said once again just to fall down.

Eyes twinkling and lips sealed,

A tsunami swirling yet stays unsaid.

A thousand stabs taken over and over without a sigh,

Wings curtailed, how does one soar high?

Emotions were but just a mockery,

Statements endless- truth or flattery?

Draped in clothes yet she feels naked,

She gave it her all just to reach a dead end.

Reality stands grinning at her face,

She is but a puppet to circumstances in place.

An endless black hole,

Voiceless and smiling,

She is empty to the core.

She is but empty to the core.

 ©Arpita

The Moonlight

There I was at my balcony puffing a cigarette,

Earphones plugged in, soft music and absolutely zero thoughts,

Standing there enjoying the solace and stillness before dawn,

Embracing the peace that the standstill night evoked.

The cool breeze brushing across my face,

The moon playing hide and seek among those floating cotton balls,

The moonlight planting soft kisses on my forehead,

For a moment, it felt as though I belonged to this place,

For a moment, the world didn’t seem that distant.

Until- 

The vision turned blurry and anxiety crept in,

That door of thoughts suddenly engulfed me in all swing.

Angst, grief, resentment- the list is too long to end,

Thoughts went haywire and limbs jello to even stand.

Struggling to catch breath, that cigarette burnt my hand,

Thankful to this sensation which broke the delirium,

The uneven ragged breaths finally fall back in pattern.

A searing pain which otherwise I couldn’t withstand,

Another episode of anxiety and a burnt hand,

Finally, It ends !

© Arpita

Safe Home

What if the only way the heart feels at home is when you are there?

What if there are tattered bits and pieces of her scattered here and there?

Endless thoughts and commotion,

Endless wrong doings; irony- fingers are just in one direction.

Sanity makes no sense,

The struggles- none seemed to have sensed its presence,

Words have started to loose essence,

She is curling inside her; people- they are nothing but pretence.

Those precious pearls lost in the way,

Lost is their story and will always stay.

Voices- muffled and are hushed down,

She is but not more than a clown.

Heart here and soul there,

That which she would call her ‘Safe Home’,

She wonders-

An illusion or a safe home is even there?

Is a safe home even there?

©Arpita

That ‘Me’

A part of me wants to let go and move on,

Yet-

A part of me cries to keep clinging on.

Thousands memories and endless flashbacks,

A thousand tunes that chain my lifting soul and hold me back.

That which was once bright,

Is now but a fading smile.

A thousand roads to wander and heal,

Yet, none now pumps in that zeal.

Curling into this opaque shell with each passing hour,

That little voice in the subconscious now falls deaf to the ears.

Surrounded yet desolate,

I am all but dissociated.

A glass of whiskey and brooding on endless moments,

I realise-

A part of me still cries to cling on,

A part of me still longs to cling on.

©Arpita

I Don’t Know

I don’t know what is worse..

The hope of seeing light at the end of the tunnel,

Or..

The unending efforts to reach to the end of the tunnel.

 

I don’t know what is worse..

That constant feeling of dejection,

Or..

That unwanted voice that just keeps going on.

That looming feeling of desolation,

Or..

Those feeble attempts to escape the situation.

 

I don’t know what is worse..

That camouflaged smile,

Or..

The pretence that all is fine.

The unheard screams in an empty room,

Or..

The struggle that is unknown.

 

I honestly don’t know what is worse..

The hope,

Or..

The hope that there is still a hope.

©Arpita

Dreaming…Was I?

I woke up to a searing pain in my chest today,

I wasn’t thinking of anything whilst I fell asleep or was I?

Gasping for breath, I couldn’t make sense of the parody.

Hands cold and goosebumps all over,

The room was pitch dark; I remember trembling with fear.

A hissing sound and ragged breath at the back of my neck,

Hysterical laughter echoing through the darkness and the smell of rotten breath just made me shiver.

I struggled to move, it was as though I was paralyzed,

That pain in the chest kept intensifying,

And that whimsical laughter-

It echoed through the room without stopping,

It felt as though within a blink my heart would stop beating,

It seemed none could save me now or hear my screaming.

A loud jolt at the door and I saw a figure frantically speeding in,

For a brief second, it felt as if I was  hysterically shaking.

Eyes were now wide open, 

All I could see and hear was mom’s panicked face and my dog barking.

The smell, the laughter everything had now disappeared,

Mom said she heard me loudly screaming,

Things somehow weren’t just adding.

But that ragged breath? That laughter?

Everything I felt.. was I only dreaming?

That whimsical laugh – I just couldn’t stop thinking,

Could it be that I was only dreaming?

Could I be just dreaming?

 

©Arpita

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